A slow clap that no one joins into...

In the movies...someone starts a slow clap that is supposed to turn into an applause and then no one joins in and it's super awkward and they sit down...that's how I feel about this outfit.

She gave this a valiant effort. I will applaud that. And then I am sitting down.

White on white is a tough look to pull off. You can end up looking super Hamptons-chic or like marshmallow. With those pants, I am saying no to this shirt. A (white) tucked in blouse with a belt would allow these pants to shine. A simple heel would be the way to go here. Maybe a heel with a splash of color or a statement necklace. Neon heels are never a good idea. 

You can't sit with us.

Bye Felicia...

xoxo

Coco

Sparkle and Please Fade

If it is cold enough to wear Ugh (UGG) boots, why are you in shorts?  

I do approve, however, of her long mermaid hair.

Imagination

For the sake of anonymity and subtly, the front view of this darling outfit was not photographed.

 'Twas a lovely early dinner along the Delaware River with the family. Drinks were in hand, conversation was brewing and we were noshing on calamari, burgers and fish tacos. Yes, fish tacos. We were dressed appropriately and fashionably, donning maxi dresses, floppy hats, and khakis for the gents. It was near time to move to the bar, which was when we saw the outfit. Granted the town of New Hope is trendy, spunky, and diverse, there is a place and time for such apparel. For example, the Firefly Festival, Coachella, Sundance...basically any festival really...concerts, Fourth of July, etc. etc. Moral of the story, butt cheeks, bare bellies, and cleavage should be saved for the beach, not dinner time. Save the buns for the burgers.

That is all.

xoxo Coco

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to see it, did it make a noise?

The answer is yes. The tree did make a noise and this lady's outfit did in fact exist even though there is no photo evidence.

So there I was at the office just minding my own business, directing the usual customer traffic, when there I saw it. It was like seeing a unicorn from the story books except she was a magical creature whose identity was textbook "what not to wear".

I didn't want to stare and scare her off; I peered from my peripherals, examining intensely, wishing I had my cell phone.

Where to begin. Her feet were snug in her light grey Crocs, bedazzled with charms (the most noticeable one was a monkey). Peering through the cracks of her Crocs (say that ten times fast) and from under her flood pant/mom jeans, glowed her rainbow striped socks. Rainbow. Striped. Socks. She wore a dull, yellow Ralph Lauren sweater and had a brightly patterned floral Vera Bradley backpack that hung off one shoulder.

The magical creature danced off out of the store, hopefully never to be seen again.

The 90's called, they want their platforms back

"OMG Mel B, can I have your autograph?" "Oh wait, I'm sorry, you mean you're wearing black leather platform boots and you're not a Spice Girl?" End scene.

One of the biggest mistakes trend "followers" make is that they apply one trend to ALL styles and situations. They take it and run with it. For example: Sock bun out to dinner? yes. At the gym? no. Literally running with it. SO...when you say platforms are making their debut again since the 90's, get this (in black, NOT in camo obvs) and not this.

Get edgy, not grungy. Get fabulous, not frumpy.

Black trench coat, rando backpack and 90's knee high Magic Mike meets Spice Girls belt buckle boots...no.

Double Trouble

We all know the trend of the century, leggings and Uggs. And like all fashions trends, there is a right way and a wrong way to wear them. Before I even MENTION the socks, let's just clarify that wearing barely there leggings and cropped top/hoodie is NEVER the right way to go, no matter how skinny you are. In addition, the drug referenced school girl peep socks do not exaclty help their image. We get it, you're "young, wild, and free". In all fairness, we've all made mistakes in the name of highschool "coolness"...I mean I haven't...but people have...so Coco cuts them some slack.

Reoccurring Disasters: part one of many

Part one should have been the Chinese Slipper from a previous post but like whatever. So...ankle biters. I see them all the time and I just want to yell at people and I purposely stare because I want them to feel as uncomfortable as their pants are making me. Ankle biters, by definition, are longer than capris, wannabe flood pants. They are unnatural and uncomfortable and flaunt your ankles. Even worse, when your ankles aren't catching a cold, they expose your hello kitty, rainbow socks that is just a cock block all in itself. Ladies, coconuts, take a second before your leave your house and make sure your pants fit. If you're flaring above the ankle, toss em.

Xoxo coco

Coco can't even....

I don't even know where to begin with this ensemble. I was surprised to not see this outfit in the police blotter when I purchased the Sunday paper just moments later because this woman has committed a serious fashion crime...I practically choked on my iced coffee and could have really used her cloth skirt to clean up the mess that would have been made. I'm writing this because coco can't even, just can't. On such a beautiful fall day, how could anyone even think of such a nauseating combination. She lost me at what seems to be thick pedal pushers rolled above the knee...I can only pray those are for poor circulation issues. Let's just ignore the dark brown peep toe wedges that were just....Just. We move to the tweed, loin cloth skirt with a fringed hemline that was possibly an entry way rug used by my early ancestors. She then topped it off with a brown tank, untucked and pulled down. Probably to hide her heinous skirt. Then tied it together with a braided brown belt...she would have been better off with a bow. And let's not forget this award winning beaded, satin purse whose trend died out long ago with the Chinese slippers that were sold on the streets of NYC in the 90's. My dear Coconuts, my loyal readers, I present to you my first fashion crimester. Assuming she just left church, I will name her "the sinner".